Daily Prompt: Deprive

In common with many others who grow up feeling ‘not good enough’ in life, I find myself all too often depriving myself of happpiness on a daily basis. Not necessarily with big things, even many of the small everyday choices I make can often be decided on the basis of what I think other people want of me, rather than what I actually want for myself, because somewhere deep inside my dysfuntion tells me that pleasing other people makes it more likely I may be liked, loved even, and one day I may even prove myself to be good enough…

But of course that’s never going to happen, because I can never please everyone all of the time no matter how hard I try. Not only is there always the likelihood that what pleases others may make me miserable, but also there is no appreciation by others of the sacrifice I am making – often because they have no idea that’s what I’m doing, sacrificing my needs for theirs. And every time I do it, every time I prioritise others’ needs over mine, I reinforce the deep-held belief inside myself that I’m not good enough so I don’t deserve to be happy…

Obviously there are times in life when it may be absolutely necessary to put someone else first – you may want to sleep with every fibre of your being, but if your baby wakes in the night you drag yourself out of bed however zombified you feel – but I’m not talking about those situations. I’m talking about me always agreeing to everyday little things I don’t really want to do just because I want to feel loved and I think that’s what I have to do to be worthy of love…

It annoys the hell out of me that I still do it, I catch myself telling my husband I don’t mind what we eat for dinner, or what we want to watch on the TV, even when actually I do mind very much – I hear myself automatically defer to his preferences, and he picks me up on it too, telling me I have a right to choose what to eat and what to watch in my own home. But whenever I do stand up for myself I’m left feeling selfish and inconsiderate, upset to my core that I’m potentially upsetting others so risking rejection…

So it seems that whether I defer to others or choose to please myself, either way I end up feeling unhappy. Hopefully one day I’ll figure it all out and learn how to stop making myself into an unwilling martyr all the time, how to stop depriving myself of happiness, and how to feel finally ‘good enough’ to just be me in all things, whether anyone else likes me or not… 🙂

Daily Prompt: Deprive 

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