Sink or Swim…
What hurtful daughter writes such damning words?
Disloyalty grips tight as guilt unfolds
For years my childhood fears remained unheard
Confused unworthy failings stayed untold
Unquestioning complicity required
I grew up thinking I was all to blame
My fault I wasn’t someone more desired
My female gender always cause for shame…
But now my scapegoat days are gone for good
No longer will I carry all that weight
Two generations further than it should
I leave my parents’ needs to their own fate –
Disloyalty cuts both ways, don’t you think?
It’s time I learn to swim before I sink…
I’m not generally keen on automatically blaming the parents for all the faults of the child, but I’m finally having to acknowledge that however disloyal it may feel and however much guilt it generates within me, I have to accept that some of the continued attitudes and actions of my parents have inevitably caused me (and do still cause me) psychological distress.
Years of therapy for depression, studying Psychology as part of my degree, and the experience of being a flawed parent and grandparent myself have all contributed to the growing realisation that perhaps I was not, after all, the reason for any discord within my family, but rather it may be that particular issues within certain individuals in my family have in fact helped cause the discord in me.
It’s actually quite a liberating realisation, even at the age of 53, and writing (and sharing) these poems about how it feels is really helping me process the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing at the moment. So please bear with me through the introspective doom and the gloom, and hopefully normal service will resume shortly 🙂