A Buttercup’s-Eye View

buttercups

Today’s intended walk was cut short a mere five minutes from home – instead of wandering over to the duck pond as planned I changed my mind and simply sat down on the short mowed grass on Wanstead Flats for a while and watched the world go by…

Feeling much refreshed and relaxed, spending quality time in nature doing little more than enjoying the good weather never fails to cheer me up  ❤

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Identity in crisis, I feel lost

Confusion reigns as childhood truths change form

Disintegrate as barriers are crossed

And old horizons, stretched, create new norms

Beliefs I’ve held for years emerge as lies

Distorted falsehoods firmly posed as fact

Still trouble me and need to be revised

To help me hold my mental health intact

But somehow I feel stronger in my soul

Perhaps I’m not as lost as first believed

More wounded needing healing to be whole

Than broken needing fixed – I feel relieved

No longer guilt-fed child who cannot cope

This careworn woman filled with future hope…

Daily Prompt: Precipice

Precipice…

I balance on this precipice of life

Precarious and perilous in pain

While all around me fear whips raw and rife

Adrenaline rush coursing through my veins

I step towards abyss beyond the throng

Sense shadows in the depths begin to rise

Cold tendrils creeping stealthily along

Enveloping my soulless empty cries…

But suddenly I find myself pull free

Awareness amplified through every pore

I shudder at the thought of ending me

Am shocked at how I felt moments before

Collapsing in a pool of heart-wrenched tears

I cry until the darkness disappears…

Daily Prompt: Precipice

Daily Prompt: Bitter

I try not to be bitter about past grievances in my life, I try not to let things build up like a huge head of water pushing intensely against an overfilled dam wall, pressured fit to burst. Instead I try my best to be aware of my emotions, to allow myself to feel the hurt and the unfairness and then try hard to let it go, not in a flood but in a steady stream of release. I try to stay soft-hearted in a world determined to harden my resolve. I don’t always succeed in my quest, but I can but try… 🙂

Daily Prompt: Bitter   

Daily Prompt: Panicked

As a life-long people-pleaser I often feel panicked at the thought of having upset or offended anyone, afraid they won’t like me any more.

I worry beyond the point of reason when it comes to conflict, tying myself up in knots in an attempt to soothe and salve and ameliorate scenarios and situations wherever possible.

I find myself fretting to the nth degree whenever conversations threaten to develop into difficulties; to my dismay I hear myself backing off and backing down at almost every critical opportunity.

I’m feeling my levels of stress hormones rising even writing about it, and it makes me unfathomably sad to know how deeply my fragile sense of self-worth is still so utterly dependent on the external approval of others…

Daily Prompt: Panicked

Daily Prompt: Zero, Zip, Zilch…

I realise I tend to be quite erratic with my blog posting. It’s not intentionally irregular, it’s more that I just never know in advance when I’m going to feel like sharing stuff, or not.

Some days I’ve got a lot to say, with untold images and words falling over themselves clamouring for attention – use me, use me, they all cry at once – look, I fit this prompt perfectly!  And yet on other days I have zero, zip, zilch. No matter how delicious the prompt, I remain untempted, untouched by inspiration, silenced either by introspection or apathy.

However, I have to say how I am on my blog is pretty much how I am in real life, either a feast or a famine of emotional outpourings of one form or another. I appreciate that my lack of consistency and need for spontaneity leading to somewhat irregular posting may create problems for anyone following me, but I guess what I’m finally learning to say in life is that this is me, this is who I am, take me or leave me, but I’m no longer going to go through life apologising just for being me…  🙂

Daily prompt: Zip

Disloyal Daughter?

Sink or Swim…

What hurtful daughter writes such damning words?

Disloyalty grips tight as guilt unfolds

For years my childhood fears remained unheard

Confused unworthy failings stayed untold

Unquestioning complicity required

I grew up thinking I was all to blame

My fault I wasn’t someone more desired

My female gender always cause for shame…

But now my scapegoat days are gone for good

No longer will I carry all that weight

Two generations further than it should

I leave my parents’ needs to their own fate –

Disloyalty cuts both ways, don’t you think?

It’s time I learn to swim before I sink…

I’m not generally keen on automatically blaming the parents for all the faults of the child, but I’m finally having to acknowledge that however disloyal it may feel and however much guilt it generates within me, I have to accept that some of the continued attitudes and actions of my parents have inevitably caused me (and do still cause me) psychological distress.

Years of therapy for depression, studying Psychology as part of my degree, and the experience of being a flawed parent and grandparent myself have all contributed to the growing realisation that perhaps I was not, after all, the reason for any discord within my family, but rather it may be that particular issues within certain individuals in my family have in fact helped cause the discord in me.

It’s actually quite a liberating realisation, even at the age of 53, and writing (and sharing) these poems about how it feels is really helping me process the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing at the moment. So please bear with me through the introspective doom and the gloom, and hopefully normal service will resume shortly 🙂

Daily Prompt: Avid

Beyond the Pale…

As avidly I read to understand

Why always I’ve felt never good enough

I find myself push further than first planned

Beyond the pale to landscapes raw and rough.

I struggle through harsh sentences revealed

Confront the urge to vent a latent rage

Bewildered I revisit wounds unhealed

Old hurts brought back to life across the page.

Deep narcissistic traits exposed and bare

My mother’s selfish game of life displayed

Manipulating facts; unjust, unfair

Invalidating every choice I’ve made…

I’m learning to let go of life-long guilt

As thankfully my world-view starts to tilt…

Daily Prompt: Avid

 

Fight or Flight

Fight or Flight…

Fear binds me close with suffocating hold

Heart thumping in my chest with echoed beat

Squeezed tight my halting breath grates sharp and cold

My struggling soul enveloped quite complete

Nerves jangling loud like mocking jailor’s keys

My self-made chains pull taut in fresh alarm

Tied up in knots, unable to break free

Imprisoned by my own strait-jacket arms

But life cannot be lived in such a state

Forever trapped in fear and constant fight

I know I must release this death-shroud weight

Stop trying to control with all my might

I need to learn to trust life can be kind

And flee this taunting prison of my mind…