A Grave Reality…

old-gravestone

A Grave Reality…

My death once brought me peacefully to rest

Six feet beneath the ground kept safe from harm

Dark fertile soil packed tight across my chest

A covering of leaves to keep me warm

I’ve lain beneath my heavy quilt of green

Tucked up in Mother Earth’s last warm embrace

Till gravestone legend, weathered and worn clean

Shows few marks now on roughened blasted face

I’ve lain here for what feels eternity

My empty sockets staring up in vain

No living soul exists who once knew me

No memory of mortal life remains

As seasons change, I watch each passing year

Whole centuries roll by while I lie here…

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Identity in crisis, I feel lost

Confusion reigns as childhood truths change form

Disintegrate as barriers are crossed

And old horizons, stretched, create new norms

Beliefs I’ve held for years emerge as lies

Distorted falsehoods firmly posed as fact

Still trouble me and need to be revised

To help me hold my mental health intact

But somehow I feel stronger in my soul

Perhaps I’m not as lost as first believed

More wounded needing healing to be whole

Than broken needing fixed – I feel relieved

No longer guilt-fed child who cannot cope

This careworn woman filled with future hope…

Daily Prompt: Precipice

Precipice…

I balance on this precipice of life

Precarious and perilous in pain

While all around me fear whips raw and rife

Adrenaline rush coursing through my veins

I step towards abyss beyond the throng

Sense shadows in the depths begin to rise

Cold tendrils creeping stealthily along

Enveloping my soulless empty cries…

But suddenly I find myself pull free

Awareness amplified through every pore

I shudder at the thought of ending me

Am shocked at how I felt moments before

Collapsing in a pool of heart-wrenched tears

I cry until the darkness disappears…

Daily Prompt: Precipice

Disloyal Daughter?

Sink or Swim…

What hurtful daughter writes such damning words?

Disloyalty grips tight as guilt unfolds

For years my childhood fears remained unheard

Confused unworthy failings stayed untold

Unquestioning complicity required

I grew up thinking I was all to blame

My fault I wasn’t someone more desired

My female gender always cause for shame…

But now my scapegoat days are gone for good

No longer will I carry all that weight

Two generations further than it should

I leave my parents’ needs to their own fate –

Disloyalty cuts both ways, don’t you think?

It’s time I learn to swim before I sink…

I’m not generally keen on automatically blaming the parents for all the faults of the child, but I’m finally having to acknowledge that however disloyal it may feel and however much guilt it generates within me, I have to accept that some of the continued attitudes and actions of my parents have inevitably caused me (and do still cause me) psychological distress.

Years of therapy for depression, studying Psychology as part of my degree, and the experience of being a flawed parent and grandparent myself have all contributed to the growing realisation that perhaps I was not, after all, the reason for any discord within my family, but rather it may be that particular issues within certain individuals in my family have in fact helped cause the discord in me.

It’s actually quite a liberating realisation, even at the age of 53, and writing (and sharing) these poems about how it feels is really helping me process the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing at the moment. So please bear with me through the introspective doom and the gloom, and hopefully normal service will resume shortly 🙂

Daily Prompt: Avid

Beyond the Pale…

As avidly I read to understand

Why always I’ve felt never good enough

I find myself push further than first planned

Beyond the pale to landscapes raw and rough.

I struggle through harsh sentences revealed

Confront the urge to vent a latent rage

Bewildered I revisit wounds unhealed

Old hurts brought back to life across the page.

Deep narcissistic traits exposed and bare

My mother’s selfish game of life displayed

Manipulating facts; unjust, unfair

Invalidating every choice I’ve made…

I’m learning to let go of life-long guilt

As thankfully my world-view starts to tilt…

Daily Prompt: Avid